[Nerdspresso] I’m Streaming of a White Christmas: My Favorite Holiday Movies

(In which my good friend Jeff Stanford shares his selection of prime Christmas flicks. Enjoy and have a great Christmas week – Editor)

Ho ho ho, the holiday season is here. Heck, it’s almost over. Before all the presents are unwrapped, all the eggnog is consumed, and all the family baggage is unpacked, please make sure to remember what is most important this time of year: WATCHING MOVIES!

We all have our holiday favorites. Some people like the classic traditional stuff. For others, they make their own traditions with movies set during Christmas that maybe aren’t exactly CHRISTMAS movies. But who defines what makes a Christmas movie, right?

I like to mix it up a little bit and enjoy cutting the treacle with a little merry mayhem. My list contains flicks that are both naughty and nice. I’ve got a few jingle bells and some reindeer that ran over Grandma. I encourage everyone to pull their holiday favorites out of that big ho bag of theirs to enjoy some Christmas cheer this time of year.

Let’s Unpack This Bag

Whether it’s cuddling up with the family on Christmas Eve or zoning out on the big day after everyone has torn through their goodies, find some time to kick back and roast your chestnuts over an open fire of seasonal cinema. I’m going to share with you what I watch when I want to kick out the Christmas jams. It’s an eclectic collection of movies that I assemble under my tree every year. Maybe I don’t get to each and every flick on this list, but who’s keeping track?

Certainly not that fat man who lives at the top of the world with his old lady and some really short folks with pointy shoes. He’s got more important things on his mind. Like what antacid will help him after hoovering down a kajillion cookies and gallons of room temp dairy in one night? Or how to get that reindeer smell out of his clothes? Or what to tell that kid that caught him smooching on his mom? The dude is troubled.

My Holiday Hit List

Let your fingers do the walking all over that remote to search out those stories that will make your heart grow three sizes. I want to hear about what movies make your holidays merry and bright. Please share in the comments what cinematic traditions are part of your annual festivities. While you’re doing that, I will unspool the titles that make up my Christmas list. These are in no particular order, but if we’re counting, and hey, this is a civilized nation so why wouldn’t we? You can can consider these my top 10.

10. Scrooged

Bill Murray plays a ruthless TV executive who learns the true meaning of Christmas after a visit from three ghosts in this 80’s retelling of A Christmas Carol. Written by two SNL writers and directed by the legendary Richard Donner (Superman, Lethal Weapon, The Goonies), this movie is a cynical favorite crackling with hilarious lines (“The bitch hit me with a toaster”) and inspired casting (Bobcat Goldthwait as a nebbishy TV exec, Carol Kane as the sweetly demented ghost of Christmas Past). Probably the first glimpse of a Christmas-themed action movie when they show a clip from The Night the Reindeer Died as Lee Majors defends Santa’s workshop from terrorists.

9. The Nightmare Before Christmas

Is it a Halloween movie or a Christmas movie? Heck, it’s both. The McDLT of holiday cinema! Jack the Pumpkin King kidnaps Santa in this stop motion animation classic brought to life by Writer/Producer/Visionary Tim Burton and Animator/Director/Virtuoso Henry Selick. Unforgettable images, catchy songs (by Danny Elfman!), and dark humor make this one a must watch from Oct. 31 to Dec. 25. This film is a melancholy gothic response to all those old Rankin-Bass stop motion cartoons we consumed as little kids.

8. It’s a Wonderful Life

This oldie didn’t start out as a Christmas fave but became one when its copyright expired in the 70’s, allowing TV stations to air it constantly without fear of paying royalties. Such is not the case anymore, but there was a time when you could channel surf and watch this movie all night long on Christmas Eve. Kind of a harmless holiday version of Russian Roulette with your TV remote. Like that scene in The Deer Hunter but with Jimmy Stewart and ZuZu’s petals. This movie warms the cockles of my snarky little heart. Watch it just for the sentimental rush in the final moments when the whole town shows up to support Jimmy Stewart. Spoiler Alert: every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings.

7. Gremlins

If that previous flick gives you the warm fuzzies, this one will give you the cold pricklies. A bunch of weird creatures bent on mischief are unleashed on a small town on Christmas Eve. Now it’s up to a bland dude, a muppet, and the adorable Phoebe Cates to save everyone. Director Joe Dante (Piranha, The Howling and The ‘Burbs) created this dark comic masterpiece that still holds up four decades after its heyday. Check out Gremlins to see why it was one of two movies released during the summer of 1984 that inspired the MPAA to create the PG-13 rating. Seems they were too hardcore for their target audience. You get an extra candy cane in your stocking if you know the other movie. Hint: It wasn’t The Muppets Take Manhattan.

6. Ernest Saves Christmas

The best Christmas movie starring Jim Varney to ever be filmed in Orlando, Fla. Ernest Saves Christmas is like that fruitcake that keeps getting regifted every year. It’s pretty terrible, but you still get a kick out of sharing it with your loved ones. The plot is uninspired and the humor obvious (Dad jokes are more cerebral), but it still makes me smile. Ernest Saves Christmas really is the ugly Christmas sweater of holiday movies. Varney, who went on to voice Slinky Dog in the Toy Story movies, invests this bumpkin with droopy-eyed charm as he navigates O-Town in search of Santa. Full disclosure: I’m a native Orlandoan and seeing our locales as movie scenery still gives me a little charge.

5. The Polar Express

Directed by Robert Zemeckis, the guy who made Back to the Future and Forrest Gump, The Polar Express was the first motion capture animated film. This nascent technology produced dead-eyed characters with robotic movements. The movie resembles a Rockettes holiday spectacular starring those animatronic robots from Disney’s Carousel of Progress. Based on a children’s story, this movie follows a kid collected on Christmas Eve by a mythical train bound for the North Pole. Worth seeing to gauge how far this technology has come and for the scene where they all drink hot chocolate. Tom Hanks gives it his all playing all the adults in the cast.

4. Home Alone

As a parent, I now understand how you could leave your kid behind amid the chaos of packing for a big family vacation. Back when this movie was a mega hit in theaters, I thought it was loud, obnoxious and overtly mean. It’s still all those things, but nostalgia has softened my views and it’s now one of my holiday mainstays. Kevin’s family is awful to him and he’s not much better in return, but I do enjoy his tweener misadventures defending his house against two bumbling burglars on Christmas Eve. He’s like a prepubescent John Wick unleashing the thunder on Harry and Marv with his ingenious homemade booby traps. The torture they endure makes me wince almost as much as Macaulay Culkin’s acting, but I still get all warm and toasty at the end when the family is reunited.

3. Elf

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it a few times more, Elf is a modern Christmas classic. It doesn’t get much better than Will Ferrell telling a department store Santa that he smells like beef and cheese. This movie manages to be heartwarming without being precious, sincere without being annoying, and brimming with childlike wonder while not overflowing with childish sentiment. The cast is aces with Farrell as a human raised by elves on a mission to rescue his long lost Dad from Santa’s naughty list. Plus, it’s got Ed Asner playing Santa! Bob Newhart as Papa Elf! Peter Dinklage kicking some ass and the world’s best cup of coffee! What more could you want from a Christmas movie? You’ll smile like it’s your favorite. 

2. A Christmas Story

Don’t shoot your eye out before you watch this perennial holiday fave. This loving tribute to Christmases long ago tanked in theaters back in the early 80’s, but found eternal life on cable TV. First on perpetual replay in the early days of HBO and then on 24-hour rotation with TBS. I remember many a Christmas Eve where I watched Ralphie and his quest for a Red Ryder BB gun nonstop while wrapping presents and binge drinking egg nog. This flick’s super power is how its story never gets old even when you watch it several times in a row. There’s something magical about the performances from cherubic Peter Billingsley, cantankerous Darren McGavin and saintly Melinda Dillon that make this one irresistible.

1. Die Hard

There are two types of people: those who say Die Hard is a Christmas movie and those who are wrong. This debate has heated up over the past couple of years with people saying it’s an action movie set at Christmas and not a Christmas movie. However, if you compare Die Hard with your average Hallmark Channel Christmas movie, I’d say the similarities are uncanny. Your main character comes from the big city to an unfamiliar location at Christmas time where they spar with a love interest. Crazy circumstances conspire to keep them apart even though you know that they’ll end up together. There’s also a sassy sidekick (or two) providing comic relief and a bunch of side characters that are, for the most part, utterly disposable. Everything ends with our main character laying some big smooches on the love interest while it snows (sort of) and Christmas music plays us out. Sounds like a perfect Christmas movie to me. And you get Alan Rickman as a bonus. Yippie Ki Yay, Rubber Duckies!

Fa La La La La La La La LAAAA!

There’s my Christmas present to you, a veritable buffet of holiday movie goodness. These festive flicks should keep you busy while decorating the tree, wrapping presents, or hiding out from drunken relatives bent on pinching your cheeks until they’re raw. Enjoy them with some hot cider and a few ginger snaps while you wait for Old St. Nick to make his big appearance. And if you don’t practice that whole thing, these movies are still pretty darn entertaining.

Until next time, my friends. Just remember that you better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, I’m telling you why. Why? Because I don’t want no whining while I’m watching my stories. It’s just plain distracting and I prefer my drama to stay on the screen and out of my house. Happy Holidays to one and all. God bless us, everyone.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

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