[Nerdspresso] The First Know-What-I-Mean-El?

Christmas is almost here, which means there are now lots of holiday movies on the streamers to put you in a festive mood. Many of them star our favorite fat man, that jolly guy in red, Old St. Nick himself. From Ed Asner in Elf to David Harbour in Violent Night, Santa is a mainstay of yuletide moviedom. He is the Iron Man of the holiday cinematic universe. What is your favorite Santa movie? I’m betting it’s not Ernest Saves Christmas. 

This flick is like that box of candy you get during your office gift exchange. It’s well intentioned, but kind of cheap and even makes you a little sick after consuming it. Ernest Saves Christmas is a holiday comedy that came out in 1988 and starred Jim Varney, better known to audiences these days as the voice of Slinky Dog in the Toy Story movies. 

Varney had a brief flirtation with fame in the ’80’s with a character named Ernest P. Morrell, who was like a redneck version of Pee Wee Herman or a hillbilly Mr. Bean. Ernest tormented his unseen friend, Vern, in commercials for tons of products that played on local cable channels back in the day. His catchphrase “Know What I Mean?” became more popular than the products he was hawking and quickly surfed the zeitgeist for a brief shining moment. 

Ernest was a thing in the national consciousness before he was replaced by that old lady who said “Where’s the Beef?” or maybe it was the “Time to Make the Donuts” guy? I don’t remember all the details. A lot of stuff has happened since then. You know, pop culture just keeps popping. Ernest was a big enough deal that Hollywood came calling, putting him in a handful of obnoxious comedies in the waning years of the 20th Century. 

But Ernest was pretty much a one trick pony. What’s hilarious for 30 seconds can get pretty grating when it’s spread out over 90 minutes. Ernest Saves Christmas is a collection of pratfalls and dumb jokes wrapped in Christmas paper. You can catch it now on Disney+ as part of their holiday programing. Their algorithm isn’t very discriminating when it comes to selecting “Christmas Classics” for your viewing pleasure. 

I have a very conflicted relationship with Ernest Saves Christmas. It’s ridiculously bad, but it was one of the first movies extensively filmed in my beloved hometown of Orlando, Florida. So you know I’ve got to support the home team. If you’ve read more than one of my columns, you know I have a serious thing for O-Town Cinema. Whether it’s Jaws 3D or Problem Child, I’ll be right there rooting in the front row, rooting for the City Beautiful. 

What makes this flick different from other movies made in Central Florida is that unlike Parenthood or Passenger 57, Ernest Saves Christmas is actually set in Orlando. Usually my ‘hood is just a location and never the setting because we’re just subbing for someplace else. This movie, however, kicks off with a plane landing in O-Town. And it makes a point of saying that they are in Orlando. 

I know this because there’s a graphic on the screen at the beginning that says “Orlando, Florida.” I remember watching this movie and thinking that we had hit the big time. Native Orlandoans can play their own cinematic version of Where’s Waldo while trying to recognize all the local spots featured in it. But that thrill only lasts so long when your hometown is the backdrop for a silly holiday comedy full of obnoxious characters.  

The premise of Ernest Saves Christmas is pretty simple. Basically, Ernest SAVES Christmas. Santa comes to town, mayhem ensues and it’s Ernest to the rescue in all his hayseed glory. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves, okay? First, Santa lands at Orlando International Airport on a mission to find his replacement. I’m guessing he saves the flying reindeer for special occasions. Don’t worry, they show up later in a subplot with some goofy cargo dudes. 

Santa is looking for the host of an old children’s TV show because that guy has the right stuff to become the new St. Nick. This flick’s contribution to the canon is that being Santa is an appointed post like a Supreme Court Justice or Green Lantern. Seems you hold the job for a few centuries and then the Christmas magic needs to be recharged by someone new. This Santa is starting to lose his mojo so he’s on the prowl for a successor. 

Like most people looking for answers, he has come to sunny Florida. After grabbing his big sack from baggage claim, Santa hails a cab. Enter our hero, Ernest P. Worrell, who is the loquacious cabbie transporting him to the Orlando Children’s Museum to find Mr. Joe Carruthers. This guy is qualified to be the next Santa because he has a beard and teaches kids good manners. Upon arrival, Santa tries to pay the fare but all he has is play money. Ernest lets it slide and drives off with a sassy runaway riding shotgun. 

I’ll nerd out here for a minute. The Orlando Children’s Museum is not a real place. The building in the movie is actually now the home of our local Shakespeare company. When this movie was made in 1988, this site was the original location for the Orlando Science Center. If any native Orlandoans watch these scenes, you can have fun spotting the exhibits that engaged you on thousands of field trips. 

Eagle-eyed movie watchers can also spot signage on the doors and walls that says “Orlando Science Center.” Actually, it’s not that hard. The set designer on this flick must have been paid in candy canes because they didn’t do a very good hiding the place’s real identity. I’m guessing that there wasn’t any budget for somone to monitor continuity in the script. If there even was a script. But I digress. 

Santa has an awkward encounter with Joe, who thinks he’s just a weird old guy. His agent - because washed up kiddie show hosts always have agents that hang around their gigs at the local children’s museum - thinks that Santa is delusional and calls the cops. Meanwhile, Ernest has disappeared with Santa’s bag of toys unknowingly in his backseat. This predicament leaves the jolly guy in quite a pickle. He gets locked up downtown and has less than 24 hours to hand off the sleigh to the new guy, who currently doesn’t want the gig. 

Ernest realizes he has Santa’s bag so he and the runaway, a smart aleck named Harmony, track the fat man down in the slammer and bust him out. Then they’re off to find Joe Carruthers, who is auditioning for a role in a movie filming at the studios up the street. I give these filmmakers props for portraying O-Town as a movie mecca even if they’re overreaching a bit. Orlando was a far cry from Hollywood back then, but Ernest Saves Christmas is a pretty long distance from a decent movie so it probably balances out. 

Old St. Nick is now not so jolly as his Christmas magic starts to wane and he has no one to pick up the torch. Plus Harmony has run off with his bag while Ernest is trying to recover the reindeer from the airport. Santa takes the bus back to the children’s museum because when you’re out of options, you should always go to the nearest children’s museum. A pair of helper elves show up at the airport and together with Ernest they gather up the reindeer. 

They hitch up the sleigh in a desperate attempt to meet Santa before his powers expire and Christmas is lost forever. Because that’s how Christmas works in the movies, folks. Ernest haphazardly flies across the city and this sight inadvertently inspires everyone to believe in the magic of Christmas again. Joe and Harmony both converge on the children’s museum, make amends with Santa and get the holidays back on track. 

Joe becomes the new Santa and hops on board the sleigh just in time to make his first deliveries to good boys and girls the world over. He recruits Ernest and Harmony to help him on his maiden voyage and away they go. Old Santa, now retired, walks off into the moonlight with some nice old lady that he met at the museum. All is merry and bright as the credits roll. 

Ernest Saves Christmas serves up a generous portion of yuletide sweetness along with a heavy dollop of cheese. It’s hoping that you’ll watch it with an abundance of Christmas cheer and overlook its obvious shortcomings. When I saw this one in the theater at the premiere, I tried to balance my glee at seeing my hometown immortalized on film with the hard reality that this flick was one giant Christmas turkey.

Just for the record, I had scored a ticket to this screening because I was representing my college newspaper. It wasn’t like I was a fan or anything. Yes, I was a big nerd for Orlando in the movies, but I still had a job to do. Putting aside my hometown pride, I dedicated myself to delivering a honest critique. It was far from a rave. 

In my review, I speculated that alien explorers in the far off future would uncover a copy of Ernest Saves Christmas in the ruins of our abandoned civilization. They would watch it and determine that this movie was the pinnacle of our culture. At that moment, the Earth would instantly deflate like a punctured basketball. I thought that summed it up pretty well. 

My journalism school ended up giving me an award for that article, which is more accolades than Ernest Saves Christmas ever received. But to be honest, the years have mellowed my feelings for this movie. It’s less a lump of coal in my stocking now and more like a slice of fruitcake. It’s not very good, but it’s tolerable if consumed in the spirit of the season. 

All the eggnog in the world can’t help you ignore this flick’s hammy acting, lazy writing and sloppy filmmaking, but its heart is in the right place. Know what I mean?