[Nerdspresso] What Have You Shame-Watched Lately?

There are good movies. There are bad movies. There are guilty pleasures. And then there is shame watching. Like eating a dozen Krispy Kremes for dinner, shame watching is an indulgence that often leads to self-hatred and nausea. The movies that you shame watch are not so bad that they’re good. They’re just bad. 

And God bless you, you just can’t help yourself. Like wearing a mankini to the beach, you think it’ll be a hoot, but the decision leads to nothing but regret. It takes a really special kind of movie badness to justify shame watching. Usually, it’s born of curiosity. You see the title on your streamer’s lineup and think “It can’t be that bad, can it? I’ll just see for myself.” 

Let me warn you that this statement is usually never followed by “That movie is a misunderstood classic.” Nothing good can come of shame watching. But we are a weak people who give in to our baser desires. Shame watching just happens, like drunk dialing or wearing pleather. I’m not judging. For example, here is a list of a few of the movies that I have recently shame watched. I’m not proud, but hope you learn from my example. 

Rock of Ages

This rock n’ roll musical is based on a Tony-nominated Broadway hit that should have stayed on the stage. Experiencing a live musical that weaves countless 80’s rock anthems into its narrative probably feels like surfing a wave of joyous nostalgia. But this is not the live stage production, where you feed off the energy of the performers and tap into the enthusiasm of the crowd. This version is a two-hour cringefest with an all-star cast struggling to hit the high notes.  Rock of Ages features Tom Cruise, Catherine Zeta Jones, and Alec Baldwin, but don’t be blinded by the mega wattage. You will feel like you’re trapped at the world’s most excruciatingly awkward karaoke bar. When a movie’s entire plot is lifted from a Journey song, it should definitely give you pause.

Showgirls

Elizabeth Berkley (Jessie Spano from Saved By the Bell) dances her heart out here as Nomi, the former stripper who dreams of Vegas stardom. This flick is prime shame watching material and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Showgirls is like a remake of All About Eve with a lot more nudity and casual drug use. It is so bad that I feel regret for everyone involved. I even have remorse for the best boy and the key grip. What’s sad is that there’s some real talent behind this film. What’s even sadder is that they made such a montrosity on purpose. I mean, Paul Verhoeven made Robocop and Total Recall for Pete’s sake! What’s he doing here? The cast is hobbled by a tasteless and tone-deaf script by Joe Ezsterhaus – the poster boy for toxic masculinity. Showgirls has all the subtlety of an angry toddler with an air horn. 

Battlefield Earth

This adventure about humans rebelling against their alien overlords in the year 3000 A.D. runs the gamut from boring to ridiculous. John Travolta’s passion project is a big-screen adaption of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard’s epic novel. It reminds me of when I used to play Star Wars in my backyard as a kid. I was inhabitating the fantasy world of my favorite story, making it up as I went along. Travolta’s doing roughly the same thing with just a huge budget and a lot less common sense. This amateurish production ignores a good chunk of the source material, cramming the story into a condensed running time. Even so, it sluggishly prods along and suffers from an over reliance on slo-mo, which doesn’t help. If this film is a tribute to L. Ron’s storytelling ability, I understand why he found a new gig. 

Cats

Folks, this one is just plain weird. I know it’s adapted from a famous Andrew Lloyd Webber musical which features actors playing cats, but this movie has ACTORS PLAYING CATS! They meow and everything. Plus, they’re all CGI’d to look like some wierd human/feline hybrid. It’s like a singalong on the Island of Dr. Moreau. Here’s another movie that wastes an A-list cast, including Sir Ian McKellen, Dame Judi Dench, Idris Elba, Jennifer Hudson and Taylor-freaking-Swift. Plus there’s a character named Rum Tum Tugger. What’s that about? In the end, these cat people are just disturbingly odd and vaguely off-putting. Kind of like actual cats. So maybe I’m a dog person? I don’t know. This movie is weird. 

Star Trek V: The Final Frontier

Full disclosure: I’m a lifelong Trekkie and I can’t stand this flick. After a trifecta of awesome movies (Star Treks II-IV), the Shat himself demanded to direct the fifth installment. The Enterprise is hijacked by an intergalactic cult leader and taken to the edge of the universe in search of a higher power. It’s up to Kirk, Spock, and the gang to make things right. But this movie is so so wrong. It’s a blight on the franchise. The hamfisted direction, shoddy screenwriting, and cheap effects just make me sad. Every scene accentuates the fact that our beloved crew is past its prime. They had to make Star Trek VI just to apologize for this mess. Its only contribution to the pop culture lexicon is the line: “Why does God need a starship?”

Feeling Dirty is Vital to the Shame-Watching Experience 

Be warned that if you go down this road, there’s no turning back. Some of these images you won’t be able to scrub from your memory. They will live rent free in your head like a feral cat you bring in out of the rain. But this one has a human face and smoothed-over genitalia. If you’re going to partake, I suggest that you do so privately. Don’t share with anyone that you’ve invested any time on these sins against cinema. 

Some might say that I’m overreacting. Art is subjective, right? Who anointed me King Movie Nerd anyway? I can’t claim to be the arbiter of taste for an entire streaming nation, can I? Yes, I agree that everyone’s taste is different. And I concede that if you’re entertained for a few hours then maybe a flick isn’t a total loss. So, on second thought, who am I to stop you from shame watching? 

If you choose to ignore my cautionary tale, I implore you to embrace the following simple facts. There is a limit to what the human psyche can endure. And some movies just suck.